Know what you see: Sexual Predators & Sex Addicts

NOTE:  The following entry is a compilation of information gathered from different sources. 

The people who are making headlines for their exploitation of women likely have had no shortage of opportunities for consensual sex. Sexual predators have plenty of sexual experience, but it is shallow. Sex is a control operation for them. They ordain the time and place of the encounter. Seeking a conquest is the overriding aspect. The perpetrator cares little what his “partner” experiences. The idea is to conquer a body, not have a relationship. Achieving his objective provides him with a buildup. He has sex on his mind a great deal of the time, looking at females as potential targets.

In his approach to potential sexual targets, the individual regards himself as irresistible and seeks to have this affirmed. He is certain that any person whom he finds desirable will be attracted to him. A friendly smile may confirm that he is desired, and that he can proceed with his conquest. This thinking occurs even with complete strangers whom he quickly regards as his property.

The person may use such acts as private and personal activities in sight or earshot of the woman who is his target.  He may begin using language that is slightly sexual but tempered with “correct” terminology to test the waters.  This might sound like him referring to vaginas or penises out of the blue.  The woman who hears this may be uncertain that she should view it as inappropriate since he is using “clinical” language.  The predator views her silence as an invitation to push further.  He may urinate with the bathroom door open, or in public, in front of his intended target. He seeks an admiring gaze and directs that gaze. He experiences excitement in fantasizing and in the exhibitionism itself.

The assertion of power is most obvious in sexual assault and rape in which the perpetrator forcefully takes “possession” of his target. But even a non-violent sexual predator will use language that is demanding and will in some cases successfully make a woman who is his target feel desired by doing so.  They may call the woman on the phone and assert that they are coming over and are going to “take” her (any number of sexual euphemisms).  

Again, this has nothing to do with sexual need. Men who have an active and varied sexual life at home can still target, groom, and take women. It is characteristic that, both in fantasy and action, they find it most exciting to use control in making their conquest.

In not just workplace environments, but in social arenas and communities where the perpetrator has gained substantial standing, there is an arena for these behaviors. The perpetrator has leverage over his victim who has grown to trust the perpetrator due to his social or community standing and likely the words of others, often over time. He knows that she is unlikely to inform because she thinks she will not be believed; that she will lose her own social standing or the trust and respect of the community. The victim also thinks that the people in charge will support the perpetrator, especially if he is well-known and important to the reputation and success of the social circle or the community. 

And, sadly, the women are often discounted and/or even victim-shamed for reporting the perpetrator.  As with many now-notorious cases, there may even be women who began as victims themselves later speaking out to protect the predator for their own reasons which may include avoiding their own shame, potentially due to exposing an affair they are carrying on with the perpetrator, among other things.

Four thinking patterns figure prominently in the actions and behaviors of a sexual predator.

-        - The pursuit of power and control. A critical part of the perpetrator’s self-image is being able to dominate others. He proceeds to do this as he pursues whomever he finds attractive.

-       - A sense of uniqueness. Everyone is unique – physically, psychologically, and experientially. But the person who engages in sexual harassment, assault, or rape considers himself one of a kind. Part of this self-perception is his certainty that he is irresistible to women, the answer to every woman’s desires. When it comes to right and wrong, he makes his own rules.

-      - Deception.  These individuals are often extremely intelligent, charismatic, and talented. Even people who know them well cannot conceive that they are even capable of exploiting others sexually. Such predators are masters of deceit.

-       - An ability to compartmentalize and shut off fear of consequences. Perpetrators of predatory sexual behaviors know right from wrong. They are fully aware of the potential consequences of being apprehended. They have an uncanny ability to ignore them long enough to do what they want, all the while maintaining a sense of invincibility. They eliminate considerations of conscience, behaving as they please without regard to emotional, physical, or other damage they might inflict. When they are unmasked, their chief regret is getting caught with little or no remorse for the victim. Instead, they regard themselves as victims because of the unpalatable consequences they must face.

 

Not all predators are sex addicts, and not all sex addicts are predators.  However, the behaviors and the overlap are startlingly similar.  In some cases, they are similar because the individual IS BOTH a sex addict and a predator.

Identifying behaviors of a male sex addict who is also behaving predatorially towards women involves recognizing the signs of both conditions. A male sex addict may exhibit compulsive sexual behaviors, such as excessive masturbation or engaging in sexual acts with multiple partners, while a predator may show manipulative or coercive behavior to gain power or control over women.

To differentiate between these behaviors, one should consider the following signs:

Obsessive thoughts about sex: The individual may have racing thoughts related to sex and struggle to control them.

Compulsive sexual behaviors: These behaviors may include inappropriate sexual behavior, such as engaging in risky sexual activities or manipulating others for sexual favors.

Manipulative or coercive behavior: Predatory behavior may involve deceit, manipulation, or coercion to gain power or control over women.

 

It is essential to seek professional help from mental health providers who specialize in behavior addiction and compulsive behaviors to accurately diagnose and treat these conditions.  Long-term support groups, such as men’s groups for sex addicts, can help the individual achieve not just abstinence but also support long-term recovery.