The fact is though, that there are people in this world who just have a huge dose of empathy and humanity which keeps them from wanting to injure another, even in the face of unreasonable or even atrocious attacks. And being tender and kind and empathetic does not preclude a person from also being smart, strong, and well-versed in defending oneself from onslaughts of narcissism and tyranny.
Over the years of my life, those tyrannous and abusive people have found that a tender person such as myself doesn't necessarily lack the chops to defend herself. I am never one to talk about the times I win the fight. I do not gloat. I understand that winning "the fight" means I had to fight, and I am never proud of that. I am never willing to advertise that somehow somebody ended up so full of anger or hatred towards to me that it became a fight. It feels a bit like a defect, and one I neither deserve, nor earned.
If I enumerate though, the successes will far outweigh the losses. I don't look for fights, and the other lesson I have long ago learned is that when stuff begins to stink, I need to turn the mirror on myself. I need to check in. I must consider where I am wrong. And, wherever that is--that error or weakness--I need to fix it before stuff escalates. That is a lesson I have learned and internalized long ago. It keeps me from losing the most important people in my life (I like to think I don't make such grave errors with them, but, you know, in case I DO). It keeps me accountable with clients. And, more often than not, it keeps me in the right when there is a legal battle.
But there are just people who, for whatever reason, are angry, miserable, hostile, or entitled people. They meet a friendly, easy-going person such as I, and they think I am also a pushover. An easy mark. Or, in the case of some deeply narcissistic people, they simply feel that they must conquer me. I can't say I actually understand this mindset, but I am at least familiar with it. So many relationships in my life have revealed themselves to be mired in the empath-narcissist dynamic, in the long run. But other times, I've run afoul of really ugly people who I was never going to have an intimate relationship with, and yet they still ran the same or similar course to those relationships with true narcissists.
While these people torture me, it is not fun. But I am one to put my shoulder to the job, and power through. And in the end, I usually prevail. Not because I care about winning, or losing, or fighting at all. But because I do not lose sight of my strengths and my knowledge of steady clarity. I don't want to fight you, but if you force me, I will get it right. If we had a relationship before you attacked me, I might let you know before things escalate that you ought to have fair warning. But, if you're just an asshole that I never really knew, and I was just trying to be a decent person in some dealing with you, then, well, all bets are off.
I have a couple of friends who have been run through the wood-chipper of another person's harassment, too. They were not as experienced at defending their positions as I am, even though they still prevailed. I loved being the wolf in the corner for them. They won, too, mostly. They won because they stopped, and they took stock of their own truth and the fact that they knew they never were in the wrong, nor had they in any way failed the people who were harassing them.
My friends who have been through this are the most tender of people. They are not people who sought a fight, nor did they fail to attempt to calm an escalating situation. Nope, they were just faced with vicious, ugly, combative, people who had some other agenda and would not be swayed. In the process of handling the dispute, they endured doxxing, gaslighting, harassment, threats, and even assault. I am proud of them for the backbone that each mustered in facing their harassers. I am happy as I watch them move on with their lives post-narcissist.
I have moved through periods of harassment and persecution in my life, and I have come to understand that my nature and my strength draw these people to me. I have surrendered to this truth. I shake them off the bottom of my shoe like the dog crap that they are.
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