I might have believed that my entire friend group suffered suddenly from mass hysteria. I really might have.
I mean after all, the term that psychologists refer to as "groupthink" is a documented phenomenon that can occur in some groups of people over time and with influence.
And equally documented are the instances when groupthink has accounted for irrational and even devastating and murderous consequences in groups.
But what if what happened wasn't exactly groupthink? What if it was a case of mean girls and weak followers?
Well, just as there is a sociological and psychological thread of studies for the groupthink paradigm there is also a well-studied and defined understanding in the psychological profession for the "mean girl" phenomenon.
And here is what is said by professionals regarding the "mean girl" phenomenon.
And, on reflection, I literally described my concerns about Leslie, the friend in the group who was starting to show herself as toxic; unsafe emotionally; and potentially a mean girl (although it didn't occur to me to use that term at the time).
Now, looking back, I see that the things that made me feel as though she was an emotionally unsafe person were such things as evidence of serious insecurity and envy of others; gossiping and belittling of others; and an extremely toxic relationship with her adult young daughter which included actual fist fights between the two of them.
Although I vocalized my concerns to my friend Velvia and expressed my desire to distance myself from Leslie several months before the actual ultimate final gathering of all of us as friends, I do not think that Velvia heard my concerns with the appropriate level of concern. I think that Leslie was already in her head and that Velvia was already being emotionally manipulated by Leslie, herself.
Here's a more detailed look at the "mean girl" phenomenon in adult friendship groups:
Here's a little bit of a summary from expert websites:
Adult "mean girl" phenomenon
What it is:
The term "mean girl" is often used to describe behaviors that fall under the umbrella of relational aggression or social bullying, which involves intentionally harming someone's relationships, reputation, or emotional well-being.
How it manifests:
Exclusion: Deliberately excluding someone from group activities or conversations.
Gossip and Rumors: Spreading negative rumors, engaging in gossip, or sharing secrets to damage someone's reputation.
Backstabbing: Talking negatively about someone behind their back or betraying their trust.
Derogatory Comments: Making mean or hurtful comments about someone's appearance, personality, or achievements.
Online Harassment: Engaging in online shaming, cyberbullying, or leaving destructive messages on social media.
The term "mean girl" is often used to describe behaviors that fall under the umbrella of relational aggression or social bullying, which involves intentionally harming someone's relationships, reputation, or emotional well-being.
How it manifests:
Exclusion: Deliberately excluding someone from group activities or conversations.
Gossip and Rumors: Spreading negative rumors, engaging in gossip, or sharing secrets to damage someone's reputation.
Backstabbing: Talking negatively about someone behind their back or betraying their trust.
Derogatory Comments: Making mean or hurtful comments about someone's appearance, personality, or achievements.
Online Harassment: Engaging in online shaming, cyberbullying, or leaving destructive messages on social media.
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Reflecting on the details above, the manifestation details are precisely what happened. Is it all still scapegoating? Yes, it is, (I have previously called this scapegoating, and it still is the definition of scapegoating. These issues can be more than one thing at a time and this is factual).
I think that there was a secondary mean girl. I think that Leslie later recognized that Shawna was a mean girl and that she enlisted Shawna later for backup.
But here's what else I know. I know that my friend Velvia was not and is not I mean girl at heart. I do believe that she got sucked into things. I do believe that she was hurting and in survival mode with her DUI and her divorce and her daughter who was beating up her son and her son who was threatening suicide (Things that she originally swore were extreme secrets and then divulged later to the other friends in the group).
I have reflected on whether or not Kim was really a mean girl. I think that Kim is damaged goods. I think that Kim has been devastated by so many friendships that went sideways on her unexpectedly, and family relationships that didn't measure up even at all.
I think that Kim doesn't want to be mean girl but that sometimes it just feels good to her to be mean because she's experienced meanness and somehow kicking it downhill to someone else eases some sort of pain in her.
It's sad to think that she can resort to that small and petty type of abuse of someone else for a temporary Band-Aid on her own pain but I do think that's what happened with Kim. I think if Kim could open her mind a little bit and grow a little bit more that she could evolve enough to stop doing that to friends.
But I know, whatever happens and Kim's life, I will not be there to see it. She has made that clear.
And to wrap it all into a neat and tidy package, I never thought that this was about mean girls and bullying. At least not until the last few weeks. In recent weeks, after 4 months away from these "friends," I have really truly nearly forgotten them. I mean I haven't forgotten THEM, but I have forgotten the experience of having them as friends. I stopped hoping that there was some sort of mistake and that they would recognize what they were throwing away in the first week or two. I made one final plea to the group and I reached out to each of them a couple of times personally.
And to have my most precious people ignore my heartfelt please that each went to each of them personally more than once made me recognize that there was no hope. And I stopped. And I have not looked back because that was proved to me in that moment that they never really were who I thought they were.
I had once believed that in my darkest moments they would see me if nobody else did. And those were my darkest moments. And they were not there. They turned their backs. And you only need to see somebody turn their back once in your most vulnerable and painful moment to realize that you have trusted the wrong person.
I've been recovering and healing and rebuilding and reconnecting with people who I can actually trust now for 4 months.
I only think of them now in the mean girl frame of reference because they seem to keep pursuing me. And the pursuit of my well-being and interest in who I am and what I am doing is what makes me really understand more deeply that this is about a circle of people centered around one or two mean girls. If they wanted me out of their lives as they claimed, then why even trouble themselves with me? Not only are they "troubling themselves with me," but they are actively pursuing me to passively harass me.
I know for a fact the Kim isn't troubling herself with anything I'm doing now. Kim has moved on because she burned that bridge and she's not coming back. Velvia also closed the door. But Leslie, who is weak and envious and shallow and unable to let go of grudges, and now her henchman Shawna I believe are still harassing me secretly (they think).
And only somebody who is deeply rooted in bullying and mean spiritedness would still be pursuing somebody they kicked to the curb four months later. In no way have I engaged them; sought them out; tried to recover or repair the friendship after they made it clear it was not an option.
Nonetheless, they are seeking entertainment by sending anonymous texts and making threats and idle comments on how they think I'm living my life. It's truly laughable because they're making huge sweeping judgments about my life based on small windows that they are able to pry open from the locked doors that I have set up to keep them out.
Also take note that they themselves locked themselves out by blocking me on social media. So why block me if you really want to know some more details about my life?
I don't know but I do recognize that I had added these last two friends quite recently and didn't know them well and gave them far more trust than they ever deserved or earned. I know that they are sad and weak people who are suffering from their own syndromes and dilemmas and that they find sick entertainment in seeking to bother me.
But they don't. They do not bother me. I am happy. I am pursuing new horizons in my life. I am developing new goals. I am enjoying new friends.
It's a funny thing. It's taken me a while but over time in the past 4 months I have shared the experience of what I went through with them all suddenly ostracizing me when only hours before I was a friend to the end. The people who hear the story of what happened universally are almost speechless. Most people cannot even believe that one toxic person could convince longtime friends to abandon a friend like me. And every person--every single person--has the same conclusion.
The consensus is always that this is completely about them and all of their collective weaknesses and fears and insecurities that were played upon by one toxic person. I never share that piece with the people that I tell but that is the same conclusion that I came to only weeks after all this happened.
Yes. Shame on me for letting a sick and toxic person into my life and then introducing her to my friend group. But the rest was all about my friends and the fact that they were weak enough to succumb to a sick person and not stand up for the friendship they had had for so much longer.
It's sad but it's a lesson for me. It's a lesson that I probably relaxed my boundaries in ways that I should not have. I probably allowed friends to have too much of my heart when they had not yet earned it. I may still run that risk in the future because that is my nature but I do know that my eyes are definitely more wide open and I recognize that if I'm going to take a risk on a friend who hasn't yet earned all that I give her then I will also accept the risk willingly.
Reflecting on the details above, the manifestation details are precisely what happened. Is it all still scapegoating? Yes, it is, (I have previously called this scapegoating, and it still is the definition of scapegoating. These issues can be more than one thing at a time and this is factual).
I think that there was a secondary mean girl. I think that Leslie later recognized that Shawna was a mean girl and that she enlisted Shawna later for backup.
But here's what else I know. I know that my friend Velvia was not and is not I mean girl at heart. I do believe that she got sucked into things. I do believe that she was hurting and in survival mode with her DUI and her divorce and her daughter who was beating up her son and her son who was threatening suicide (Things that she originally swore were extreme secrets and then divulged later to the other friends in the group).
I have reflected on whether or not Kim was really a mean girl. I think that Kim is damaged goods. I think that Kim has been devastated by so many friendships that went sideways on her unexpectedly, and family relationships that didn't measure up even at all.
I think that Kim doesn't want to be mean girl but that sometimes it just feels good to her to be mean because she's experienced meanness and somehow kicking it downhill to someone else eases some sort of pain in her.
It's sad to think that she can resort to that small and petty type of abuse of someone else for a temporary Band-Aid on her own pain but I do think that's what happened with Kim. I think if Kim could open her mind a little bit and grow a little bit more that she could evolve enough to stop doing that to friends.
But I know, whatever happens and Kim's life, I will not be there to see it. She has made that clear.
And to wrap it all into a neat and tidy package, I never thought that this was about mean girls and bullying. At least not until the last few weeks. In recent weeks, after 4 months away from these "friends," I have really truly nearly forgotten them. I mean I haven't forgotten THEM, but I have forgotten the experience of having them as friends. I stopped hoping that there was some sort of mistake and that they would recognize what they were throwing away in the first week or two. I made one final plea to the group and I reached out to each of them a couple of times personally.
And to have my most precious people ignore my heartfelt please that each went to each of them personally more than once made me recognize that there was no hope. And I stopped. And I have not looked back because that was proved to me in that moment that they never really were who I thought they were.
I had once believed that in my darkest moments they would see me if nobody else did. And those were my darkest moments. And they were not there. They turned their backs. And you only need to see somebody turn their back once in your most vulnerable and painful moment to realize that you have trusted the wrong person.
I've been recovering and healing and rebuilding and reconnecting with people who I can actually trust now for 4 months.
I only think of them now in the mean girl frame of reference because they seem to keep pursuing me. And the pursuit of my well-being and interest in who I am and what I am doing is what makes me really understand more deeply that this is about a circle of people centered around one or two mean girls. If they wanted me out of their lives as they claimed, then why even trouble themselves with me? Not only are they "troubling themselves with me," but they are actively pursuing me to passively harass me.
I know for a fact the Kim isn't troubling herself with anything I'm doing now. Kim has moved on because she burned that bridge and she's not coming back. Velvia also closed the door. But Leslie, who is weak and envious and shallow and unable to let go of grudges, and now her henchman Shawna I believe are still harassing me secretly (they think).
And only somebody who is deeply rooted in bullying and mean spiritedness would still be pursuing somebody they kicked to the curb four months later. In no way have I engaged them; sought them out; tried to recover or repair the friendship after they made it clear it was not an option.
Nonetheless, they are seeking entertainment by sending anonymous texts and making threats and idle comments on how they think I'm living my life. It's truly laughable because they're making huge sweeping judgments about my life based on small windows that they are able to pry open from the locked doors that I have set up to keep them out.
Also take note that they themselves locked themselves out by blocking me on social media. So why block me if you really want to know some more details about my life?
I don't know but I do recognize that I had added these last two friends quite recently and didn't know them well and gave them far more trust than they ever deserved or earned. I know that they are sad and weak people who are suffering from their own syndromes and dilemmas and that they find sick entertainment in seeking to bother me.
But they don't. They do not bother me. I am happy. I am pursuing new horizons in my life. I am developing new goals. I am enjoying new friends.
It's a funny thing. It's taken me a while but over time in the past 4 months I have shared the experience of what I went through with them all suddenly ostracizing me when only hours before I was a friend to the end. The people who hear the story of what happened universally are almost speechless. Most people cannot even believe that one toxic person could convince longtime friends to abandon a friend like me. And every person--every single person--has the same conclusion.
The consensus is always that this is completely about them and all of their collective weaknesses and fears and insecurities that were played upon by one toxic person. I never share that piece with the people that I tell but that is the same conclusion that I came to only weeks after all this happened.
Yes. Shame on me for letting a sick and toxic person into my life and then introducing her to my friend group. But the rest was all about my friends and the fact that they were weak enough to succumb to a sick person and not stand up for the friendship they had had for so much longer.
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