My path in life has never been typical. Being, among many other things, an engineer, I view my life's trajectory in a flow chart manner; I look back and see that everything was a series of either/or junctures. In this way, I can see, (I fantasize), how my life would have looked if those roads less taken had been the road taken, instead.
And, sometimes, I have to admit, that some roads were not taken just because I came face to face with a decision I had been working up to, and then it just seemed too..... scary. I hate that there are certain things I’ve gotten close to doing or goals I’ve gotten close to realizing, I have veered always from at the last minute because the pressure of getting that close was so intimidating.
I know that I can’t list a LOT of “near misses” in my lifetime. Perhaps I can choose to view that as its own sort of success. I mean, veering is human, right? I don’t spend a lot of time reflecting on things I wish I’d done. That might be because the list of things I still want to do is quite long. When I was younger, I let my dreams guide me fully. I’m not flighty or flaky, so when I dreamt big, I followed it through. One thing most people know about me is I’m accountable and I don’t make excuses.
Still, there are a few dreams pushing themselves around in my private collection, and they are itching to escape. I know this because at times they feel as though they direct my every plan and thought. And I let them. On those days, I let them. And because I let them, some things have taken shape. For example, I have written framework for the ideas, in differing degrees of completion, but framework, nonetheless. I also have collateral material supporting these ideas, again, in differing degrees of scope and magnitude and completion.
What’s stopping me from pursuing these ideas? Well, honestly, accountability to my business and my company, and the people who I work for: my agents and my clients. Are my “concept ideas” things that would take away from my commitment to those people? No, they are not. I consider this carefully, and each time, I am clear that nope, these concepts would, if anything, enhance my current business.
Still, my feet are concrete. I stay still. In my head, my ideas are safe, free to flit about claiming perfection without actual evidence or the judgement that might be cast upon them in the world of actual doing. When I reach a point such as this, sometimes I reach for my bullet journal and walk through the steps I would still need to take to bring one of my “great ideas” to the light of day.
Today, and these past days, the fable that has been playing in my mind is the one about the old lioness. I’ve heard over the years that certain African tribespeople have a rule of thumb. Knowing that lions hunt together, and that lions place the oldest, weakest lioness in the path of the prey, ahead of it, so that she can let out her most ferocious roar, causing it to turn away from her, running directly into the gauntlet of the silently waiting pride of strong and hungry lions to the rear. Although her roar was strong and fearsome, it was also the path that held the most likely promise of survival for the gazelle.
And so, when caught in a dilemma, like the tribespeople, I tell myself, “go towards the roar.”
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